On God and the Grand Canyon

I haven't written for a while. I'm back at school and busy is not a strong enough word to explain what the last month has been like. But that is not my focus. Today, the focus is the greatness of my God. The beauty of my Saviour. Almost a month ago, I was at the Grand Canyon. The words of this post were written in Arizona, put on borrowed notebook paper in my messy handwriting, 
and reflect the wonder I felt at that place.

"All the earth worships Thee; they sing praises to Thee, sing praises to Thy name" - Psalms 66:4

What else can be said?

Every lookout at the Grand Canyon was beyond words.

If I could paint...
If I could write...
If I could capture in any way the height and depth of the beauty, I would.

But I can't. Overwhelmed to the point of tears. The beauty is too much.
In every light.
Around every bend.


Even the night sky is stunning - millions of stars shining. The Milky Way a bright ribbon through the black of night.

Breathtaking.

I have a picture in mind, when I look at the Canyon, of my Creator, dipping in His finger there to make a gorge, another winding trail there, and delicately scraping off a layer here and a layer there, adding glorious columns of magnificence when it fancied Him.

Creating beauty.

Creating a masterpiece.

We go back to the Canyon at sunrise. Breathtaking. A long rest as we watch the sun rise. A new day begins. Spirit rest.

After breakfast, a drive to Hermit's Rest. More incredible panoramas - Canyon on all three sides.

Pictures taken, we begin the drive back, awed by the beauty that God has gifted us with. He is here, with me in that moment.

What can I do but worship?

       

 

         

   

On seasons.

WORD OF THE DAY:

1. conflicted  past participle, past tense of con·flict (Verb)

   Verb Be incompatible or at variance; clash. Having or showing confused and mutually inconsistent feelings.

It seems to me that as soon as you get used to a season, life changes on you and moves on to the next.

Life is never boring that way, I guess.

I've just gotten used to summer, and in a week it is over. Not the actually weather season, but the season of my life. The summer job is over, and school is about to begin.

And I'm conflicted.

I'm so excited for my trip to the States in a week and for school directly after that - seeing all of my friends and taking classes that I am passionate about. But I've enjoyed my work and have felt blessed...I'm back into the rhythm of summer...

I'm having "mutually inconsistent feelings."

Sad and happy. Reluctant but eager. Holding on but anticipating what is next.

And, silly me, kind of protesting it. "Why? Why must there always be change and this weird I-don't-know-how-to-feel? How do you be content when you aren't in one 'state' to be content in, but you have two states?"

I'm referring to Paul, when he says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned in whatsoever state I am to be content." But I wasn't sure how to do this verse when you are not really in one season, but in between.

And it came to me: perhaps the secret is thankfulness.

Seeing God's grace in the changing of the seasons.

Seeing His blessings in the beauty of both seasons. Appreciating the remaining heat of summer while appreciating the changing colors, if you will.

Being content by giving thanks. Solving this "conflicted" feeling by replacing it with the act of giving thanks. My feelings will follow.

How blessed am I! To be sad to leave the place I've been but be happy to arrive at the place I'm going.

Does this not reflect our seasons of life? This temporal life now - God has made it good. Not always fun, but overall, we like this life. He has created it with joy and beauty as He restores the brokenness and hurt. So we are sad to leave it, or to see others leave it.

But yet we are anticipating the life to come - when this season of life is on earth, we are excited for the next one, happy when we arrive at the next.

How beautiful...

What an opportunity for gratitude, this conflicted-ness within me. An opportunity to be thankful that I am sad to be leaving a wonderful season and to be thankful that I am anticipating a wonderful season.

In focus.

                                                                                                    Photo by Sarah Kuipers - July 2012              

Isn't it wonderful how God prepares us? How He knows our every thought and longing and struggle? Ahead of time? 

That blows my mind.

Last week, I was in a really good place. I've been struck these last few weeks with such a desire, a longing, for God's own heart, that it almost hurts.

My heart is seeking His, with a new intensity.

I felt so very focused on Him. It was glory. His glory.

As I marveled at this last week, praying it out, reading Scripture, thinking... I started thinking of how that unity, that sight and focus, is always there. I just don't always see it. Because I don't focus.

Something to know about me - I like metaphors. They help me, so usually when God is teaching me something, I wrestle with it by struggling with metaphor until I find (or God gets me to understand) one that fits.

This week, thinking about all-consuming desire and focus on God started as a mental diagram. Me and God. Nothing in between.

What happens when I stop focusing? Me and God with a problem in the middle, keeping me from seeing Him?

This is what it seemed like - my metaphor - at first. Me, and something solid, like wood or concrete, blocking my view. But that didn't quite seem to fit. I don't think anything ever comes into our path that is so opaque that we cannot see God in it and through it (although sometimes that focus is much, much harder than other times).

Perhaps, just perhaps, instead of it being a hard object, it is more like a mist. A cloud. Tiny water droplets that obstruct my view but don't obscure it. Little drops that when together make visibility difficult.

Perhaps then, it is my focus, not the problem, that keeps me from that unity with Him.

Allow me another analogy. In photography, you can set your f-stop or aperture to increase or decrease your depth-of-field - what is in focus or what is not.

When I focus on that mist, I have a shallow depth-of-field. The droplets are in focus but everything else (including God) is blurred. Hazy. Should I choose to expand that focus, everything becomes clear. Having God in focus keeps Him as my focal point, my purpose for the "photograph," and then the mist is clear too.

Thinking back on the last few days, God knew that I needed to know this. I've struggled this week. Many hours at work and not enough soul rest.

Perhaps I have narrowed my focus. Perhaps I have spent so much time looking at the water droplets that I forgot to focus on the God who I didn't see but never left.

Maybe I even let my lens break a little. But, thanks be to God, He takes joy in taking the broken things in life, in my life and in yours, fixing the crack in the lens and the error in aperture, and restoring them to make it beautiful again, for His kingdom and because of His love.

Objectified by men, valued by God.

***EDIT: I decided to post this. Not because it is comfortable (this is pushing the boundaries of my vulnerability - this one is requiring courage), but because I believe God asked me to and because I feel like I am not the only woman who has or will face this - how to declare God's truth about yourself when a man insinuates otherwise. 

Be blessed. In God's love and truth, be blessed.***

This might be one of those posts that I write but never publish. If you're reading it, then I guess I decided to press that button.

A man made a sexual comment to me today. It's not so much that I've never had people make sexual jokes around me or even to me - that sadly seems to be what happens when you work in a secular workplace. But he made this about me and to me.

It hurt. Not in a piercing sort of way, but in a devaluing sort of way. In that one sentence, he made me feel less than me. Less than a person. Less than a woman whose heart has been made beautiful and valued by Her Creator.

I can't really explain how much it bothered me. Maybe I should have had an easier time letting go. But I didn't. I couldn't shake that feeling of somehow being less. Being dirty, even though I did nothing to provoke the comment.

I couldn't shake it.

I closed the store by myself tonight, and on the walk from the store, across the field to the staff parking lot, I prayed. Out loud.

I prayed truth - that I am a daughter, most treasured by my Father the King. I prayed truth - that what one man said could not reduce my value. I prayed truth - that I can forgive the man who said that because I have a great God who forgave me.

Yet, that feeling clung to me. Maybe I clung to it. It was something that kept coming back during the evening.

I opened my Bible tonight, knowing I needed to refocus. I'm reading Isaiah right now, and the section I'm reading discusses how despite Israel having a God who loved them, they worshiped other idols. They held on to other things instead of God.

After I read, as I closed my Bible, I came across a prayer note tucked in my Bible that I had written during the school year.

In it, I thanked God for the girls in my dorm. For my friends. For my family.
But the next part of that letter, written months ago, stopped me.

"Bless x---, x---, x---, and x---. Please help me mean that.

Your love is strong.

You give so much, gave so much. I don't know how to thank you for that. I stand in awe of You.

S." 

I had listed by name people who had hurt me or people close to me. People who had been hard to forgive, that I still struggled with loving.

Reading this, including the thanks and the awe of God, made me remember where my focus needed to lie, when trying to love someone when it was hard.

My focus, when reconciling the feelings of disgust that arose from this incident, needs to be on the wonder of the God who calls me Pure, Beautiful, and Precious.

This is one more way that God brings beauty in brokenness - taking something harmful, a comment reflecting the brokenness of sin, and taking that shame away that is not mine to have, showing me the beauty of His love for me.

Perfected.

Heaven.

It's been on my mind a lot lately.

First, because I was thinking about how what we see now are glimpses of truth.

It puts things into perspective.

Not having a morning coffee? Not so important when you consider eternity. Sister borrowed something without asking? A friend posted an unattractive pic on Facebook? A bit less important when you consider that "we are a vapor."

Heaven is beauty perfected, to a level we cannot even fathom.
The kind of beauty that makes you cry.

Heaven is relationship perfected, with God and man.
The kind of relationship that makes you whole.

Heaven is learning, and discovering, and worshiping.

Learning perfected.

Discovering perfected.

Worshiping perfected.

I used to think that heaven was singing and harp playing with the angels. And that was it. I thought it would be boring.

The more I learn of God, of myself, of Scripture.... the more I'm convinced that it's not like that.

Heaven, ultimately, is my perfected self, as a child of God, being in perfect Unity, perfect Relationship, with the Holy One.

Tozer once wrote that we will be ourselves in heaven. I love children here, so how much fun will I have with the little ones that God brought home early. I love studying, but instead of books I will be able to ask Augustine  about the early church. I can ask Moses what it was like leading a whole nation across the desert and through a sea. I can ask John what it was like to follow Jesus in the flesh... How amazing!

How amazing to sit at the feet of Jesus and see His warm smile that I only feel now, but someday shall see! How incredible to have perfect communion with the Holy Spirit and to experience the glory and perfect Love of the Father!

On Thursday, as I discussed what heaven would be like with a friend, another family was finding out that their son, brother, and friend was killed in an accident.

He is sitting at the feet of Jesus. He is experiencing that love.

He is in perfect Unity with God. He knows the glory now that we can only guess at.

And someday, we will join him. In Perfection.

Desiring God.

When I'm hungry - really hungry - I head to the fridge. I don't easily get distracted by people, pets, to do lists, thoughts...

What about when I'm headed to God for nourishment?

Do I get distracted? By life?

How silly, when God is my life...

I think this, desiring God - needing Him with single-minded focus - is the connecting thread between everything floating around in my head the last few weeks. 

I've been reading John - the gospel that is devoted to God's love to us. I've been reading and listening to Francis Chan and Ann Voskamp, who are both devoted to working out God's love and grace in the everyday moments of life.
I've had the following things on a sticky note, things that I've been thinking about, things like pursuing the path of peace, healing the hurting, the 'least of these,' "God working with them."
I've heard two sermons, completely independent, on marriage, and how focusing on God together is the way to grow together - not by focusing more on each other, but more on God.

And I think the common thread in all of this is the need to have a complete, overwhelming, and all-consuming desire for God.

A desire to live each day, each moment, in light of His grace.

How does this work itself out?

Mark 16:20 says "And they went out and preached every where, the Lord working with them and confirming the word through the accompanying signs. Amen." 

Amen. So be it. 

The Lord working with them.

I think that is so very powerful. They went praising God and preaching, not in their own power, but in the power of God... Father, Son, and Holy Spirit giving them what they needed to spread Truth and share God's love. 

Are we called to any less? Although not necessarily in the same way, we too are called to share God's love, the Lord working with us. Us working with the Lord. 

Pursue the path of peace. That's something my dad used to always say. You see, when I was in high school, I would get so frustrated, because I wanted to get it right, to please God, but I felt that He just didn't give me enough ground rules. I wanted writing up in the sky saying, "Sarah - do A, B, and C." Dad said that God's peace is a form of His voice. 

God promises peace; therefore, when He grants that, I can take that as affirmation that I am following His will. But I must be desiring God to have that peace. It won't come any other way. 

The path of peace is the path that follows God and walks with Him. That takes who He has made me and the hurts of this world and speaks to my heart saying, "Sarah, love them as I love you. In my love. In my peace."

I'll give you my own example - what is on my heart. 

Healing the hurting... the least of these. 

This one lies so heavy in me. It is a refrain that has played through my life, a thread that is woven in my being. My heart yearns to see brokenness redeemed. Katie, author Kisses from Katie, moved to Uganda and adopted fourteen orphan girls as her own. She says that caring for the broken is not a request - it is a requirement! It is sobering, but true. Jesus says this so many times! The Bible talks a lot about 'the least of these.' Jesus, specifically, uses the term. He talks about not making them stumble. About not forbidding them to come to Him. About how loving them is like loving Him ("For whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for me.") What you have done for these, you have done for me. Wow. Big responsibility. Big opportunity. God takes this seriously. 

In my heart, I know this is true. I pursue the path of peace in seeing brokenness restored. 

But this healing of brokenness has to come from God. The inner yearning to see redemption comes from desiring God. 

I won't have a desire for others, a love for others, a connection with others, if I don't have a desire, a love, a connection with God. 

He has to be the starting point. Only then will I know how to work out my calling in bringing God's kingdom in the world. 

Only by desiring Him in my every day life, will I know how to work out His Truth in my every day life.

I want to know Him. His will in everything. His heart. For me. For others. To show and love and share. To take that desire, and to follow Him, for I know that while it takes sacrifice and surrender, only then do I find true joy and love and life. In Him.

Doubts.

What is this blog about? Good question.

I don't know.

I'm defying one of the first rules of writing, by starting my draft before I plan and outline it. I promise I'll teach my students better.

So many thoughts swirling around... different things that have come up in the past month for me to think about and ponder... Somehow, they are all connected I think. But I'm not sure yet how, so, out of the list of five or six things that are listed on a sticky-note (which, if it had a title, would be called "Sarah, think about the following..."), I think tonight I'll think about doubt. Because honestly, this is the one that is affecting my heart the most, not just my brain.

Last week in particular, I was struggling, but in that teensy-eensy annoying, unsettled way. There wasn't anything definite that I felt was wrong, it was just that I didn't feel right. Aggravating. And I didn't really acknowledge it until my sister asked me intentionally how I was doing, for real (Folks, ask people this. Especially if their love language is heart-focused. Huge way to love on someone. I'll post on that, too, at some point. Add it to the list.) My reply? "I'm good. I think I'm good. Yeah.... I'm good."

Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself a little bit, right?

She stayed silent. Waited.

And I amended my answer.

For me, if I don't really know how I'm doing, something is probably keeping me from 'good.' I tend to be a fairly mindful person. Let me halt for a moment and define mindfulness - Mindfulness is simply being aware of yourself, including body, spirit, and soul (mind, will, and emotions). It's a practice I have intentionally cultivated, to further my growth with God - to know how He is working in me, or how my flesh is distracting me. So, if I'm not aware, it's probably because something that is not God is distracting me, stealing my peace, my joy...

I told her, "I think something is a bit off, because I don't know how I am. But I don't know what the 'off' thing is either."

A few days later, I was walking from the store where I work to the staff parking lot, which is on the opposite side of the vineyard. It was evening. The sun was setting, birds were chirping, the grape vines were growing and beautiful. But I was reviewing one of the interactions I had had, wondering if I came off wrong, if I said the wrong thing.

I doubted. And it stole the beauty of that moment. It stole the joy that I would have, should have, found in that beauty.

I've mentioned before that I have struggled with self-esteem. Physical, Emotional, Personality-wise, Situation-wise. All of it. And by God's grace, in that moment in the vineyard, I was able to identify what was making me not 'good.'

Doubts.

Tiny doubts that come into your thoughts in such a sly way so as to avoid your realizing that they are arrived.

Powerful, quiet doubts.

Doubts that hide in thoughts and circumstances and comparison and pride.

Doubts that say you should have, ought to, why didn't you.

Doubts that whisper in your ear that you are not as pretty, as funny, as competent. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not competent enough.

Doubts that say you are not enough.

These were a different sort of spiritual attack for me. In the past, my self-esteem/comparison/mask-wearing issues have hit me head-on. No beating around the bush. They screamed at me - "You are not enough!" Commanding. Accusing.

This time, demons whispered. So seemingly innocuous. So horribly infiltrating. "You are not enough?" Quiet. Suggesting. Manipulating.

It's funny, the power that naming the battle has. The power of knowing your opponent. But way more than that, knowing your ally.

You see, my ally is Christ. Yup, that's right. My ally is the Creator of the Universe, Saviour of all, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The Truth! I wish I could emphasize that more...

"And the Truth shall set you free."

The truth will set me free. The truth is setting me free. The truth has set me free.

That's not to say that I don't still battle with doubts. Little things everyday this week have threatened to shift my gaze from Truth to Doubt. From Christ to myself. From His power to my failures.

So still, I battle. "But not I, but Christ who lives in me."

So even if everything is not perfect and I am not perfect and I don't do things perfectly, I can, with that knowledge of my ally, Truth, truly say, "How am I doing? ...I'm good. By God's grace, I'm good."

Reflections of Truth.

Walk with me on a little journey, would you? A figurative one, one of thoughts rather than movement, but a journey none the less.

A journey that begins with Truth. With Creation. With a Creator.

First, Truth. This word, spelled with a capital 'T,' is becoming my favorite word for representing the spiritual, God, heaven, righteousness, et cetera. Truth is all that is perfectly good and right. Perfect. Not improve-able.

As an artist starting a design on a project, what is your first step? A sketch? Not quite. First, you need to know the purpose of your project. Therefore, as a Creator designing a universe, don't you think God did the same thing?

And if His purpose was to glorify Himself, the Ultimate Truth, would modeling earth after heaven not be a wonderful way to start, a brilliant design concept?

At the next step on this journey, having started with the idea that Truth is the Ultimate right-ness, and that it cannot be improved upon and therefore is the model for all things that are to reflect that Truth, we come to the realization that Earth, therefore, must reflect heaven. So often, we look at societal constructs, at tradition, at humanities structures, and say, Well, that is just the way it has been for all time." Question for you, though: do you think these structures, like marriage, and family, and the church, and even the human body, just occurred at random? Or because God thought that they would work well?

Or did they occur because when God put those structures into place, He was modeling Truth?

Perhaps, just perhaps, all of these things in this 'natural' life we life, have something greater than their function... perhaps, just like us, these forms were created by the Creator, to glorify Him, to reflect His Truth.

Let's examine this a bit further. I believe that on earth, we can see glimpses of this Truth. That when you have  had a time of true worship, or an encouraging and uplifting conversation with a friend, or have seen the church pull together to support someone in need, that those are glimpses of God's kingdom in its perfection. "For now we see as through a glass, darkly." Until just recently, I didn't really think of the natural order of things as reflecting the spiritual order of God's kingdom.

Marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and His church. Family reflects the church which reflects the spiritual truths of unity and relationship and diverse functions that we see in God's relationship with the church, the angels, and us. Even the human body reflects these same truths. Kingdoms on earth, such as David's rule in the Old Testament, reflect Truth as well. We can see the concept of one being having authority, by right, to rule - those kingdoms in which the king reflected God were ones in which the rule carried both judgement and mercy, authority and love. Just like God's kingdom.

Truth - the way God meant things to be, in all of its perfection.

Does this not give us a greater responsibility then, to take these models of perfection in which we were placed, and in Christ's strength, to carry out His mandate, His purpose, in every aspect? To work out His Truth in our marriages, our family, and our churches?

1 Peter 5:10 
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

To be, or not to be.

That is the question.

I've had several discussions recently with some wonderful friends regarding the importance of just being.

Finances. Service. Ministry. Outreach. Witnessing. I believe that Christ's presence in your life should be manifested in all of these areas, in a way that is not forced but that is who to you are inside. So often, the world of Christianity talks about "works," "acts of service," "giving," and "helping." These are all great words, but I think sometimes we forget about what has to be behind all of them. We must simply be.

Finances: What am I? I am a child of God, provided for by Him. Blessed by Him because He loves me and because He wants me to bless others. But first of all, I am His child. When I give financially, I ought to give, not because that is the rule (ten percent or may hell-fire rain down on you!), and not because I feel either guilty because I have more or prideful because I give more, but because I am. I am His child, and out of that identity, I ask my Father to whom and how much I should give as His child, a steward of His resources. It might be more than ten percent; it might be less. It might be outside of what I think I can spare (How silly, to think that when God the Creator of the Universe loves you!), but as His child, do I trust Him enough to actually be His child and trust His provision?

Service/Ministry/Outreach: I don't work in Sunday School because I'm obligated or because I want to impress people. I do it because I am God's child... I do it because of who I am. I am God's child and He has given me a special love for children.

Witnessing: I was thinking of this in context of every day stuff like being a witness for Christ at school or at work. I work in a sales position... not at a church, or a shelter, or at an outreach mission, or at a school (yet! See http://skuipersclassroom.blogspot.ca/ :) ). I struggled with that when I was gearing up for the summer. Should I have a more noble, a more 'Christian' summer job? Where it felt like I could actually do some good? This is where the concept of being became so important to me. Rather than the witnessing coming for the 'doing' at work, it would come from the 'being,' allowing Christ's light to shine through me.

Sometimes, this is harder. You can't rely on your works, then, to validate you, to let you know you are being a 'good Christian.' Rather, you make small decisions that are true to who you are that let people see Christ in you. This requires a lot of waiting and remaining and not knowing if you are doing any good at all. But some "are called to plant and some to water, but God gives the increase." Resting in this, in that you are God's child, no matter where you are placed or how insignificant it seems, requires holding on to Him and holding on to truth - sometimes it is difficult, because we have to let go of the pride of men (oh look at how good she is, and how she serves) or our own self-worth struggles.

However, this is also a place of rest, to know that your worth comes from who you are - no matter what you are doing, that identity cannot be taken away from you. So many times we derive our value from what we can bring - in this case, the starting point, the motivation of our lives is our desire to do what seems right, what is right. However, that motivation alone cannot hold. It is law based, not truth based. That motivation comes from within us, and "even youths will faint and grow weary" when they try it on their own. On the other hand, "those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength." When we realize the source of our power, our Heavenly Father, and we realize that He strengthens us because we are His child, then we have the staying power to carry out his purposes. When we release our grasp on living by the rules and live truth, there is freedom.

There isn't really a way to "do" this. No formula to live by being instead of doing. Rather, it is a step by step, moment-by-moment communication with your Father that will keep you and me in that place in which doing comes from being, and when there is nothing, it seems, to do, we can simply be.

In the morning.

I have a yearly tradition. Every May, I spend at least a few evenings sitting online in front of my bank accounts. I look at my OSAP estimate, what (if any) money I have left from the past year, scholarships I am guaranteed and scholarships I've applied for.

Basically, I sit and worry. I know to trust, but every time I crunch numbers, I take ownership again, my perceived "right" to control my life.

About halfway through, I commented to my family that I should just forget about figuring out the numbers and just trust God. My friend agreed - if that is where God wants me, He will provide.

He's proven that year after year, but still I struggle. He has already provided this year, in the form of guaranteed hours and a raise - a real answer to prayer. But still I worry when the numbers come up short, and I still get a sense of relief only when I see that logically I should be able to come up with the money. Because, yes, I still finished figuring it out...

Something that keeps popping up lately is the importance of having God as the focus, as having your faith pre-eminent in every aspect of your life. My school holds a worship service every month, and one of the last ones was on the helmet of salvation. I was thinking afterwards that a helmet is meant to protect your brain. Your brain is the seat of your emotions, your intelligence, and your decisions. My helmet of salvation covers my decisions. It covers my emotions. My salvation protects them from the influence that Satan wants to have.

But in order for a helmet to have its desired effect, the soldier must put it on. It doesn't help if it stays tucked away in the tent. Or to bring it closer to home during this playoff season, a helmet doesn't do a player any good if it stays in the hockey bag.

This is something that God has really been bringing to my attention since I've come home. I was doing devotions one night, asking God what He wanted to do in me over the summer (Tangent: I love the question "What is God doing in your life right now" because there is always an answer. If you don't have an answer, it is because you are not paying attention or are not open to it, not because God is not working. God is always working. Tangent over.). Anyways, I asked Him, and a song from my childhood came into my head - "Oh God, you are my God; and I will every praise you. I will seek you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways; And step-by-step You'll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days."

I will seek you in the morning. This really struck me. I've started setting my alarm earlier, and I start the day with this song in my head and a prayer to above all else, bring God glory in everything I do and say. To show His love and grace in my life by the way I treat people and my attitude at work.

I visited my friend's church this morning and the pastor reminded us of the verse "His Divine Power has given to us all things that are needed for life and godliness" and another that says "Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Christ's grace and God's love must be my staying power. It must be the source of my joy when things are sunny and my source of peace and hope and comfort in the moments and seasons of brokenness. Every single day, I need to be reminding myself of where my help comes from and thanking God that He gives me what I need to live abundantly that day. I must hunger for righteousness and realize that God is the one who fills.

I must seek His face one day at a time, starting every morning with a prayer to glorify Him so that my helmet of salvation, God's grace and love, guides what I do and say to bring the glory to Him, the one who is worthy.

Did they know?

I'm writing this because I, like so many others tonight, am shaken and sad. I shed tears tonight for a man I've never met. Although I didn't know Tim Bosma, I know people that did. It seems so innocent, the selling of a truck. One doesn't have to know a man to grieve his wrongful death and the impact that it will have on his friends and family.

Did they know?
Did those men who responded to that advertisement and took that truck with Tim for a drive know that because of their actions, a little girl would never be tucked into bed by her daddy again?
Did they know that every time she had a dance recital or birthday party or graduation, the celebration would be marred by the fact that someone so important was missing? All for what? A truck?
When they carried out their plan, did they know that in twenty years when his little girl walks down the aisle - on the day that should not contain an iota of sadness - a tear will be shed because her father isn't there to walk that aisle with her?
Did they think of that?
Did they know that every night, a woman will go to bed, not with the arms of her husband around her, but the aching pains of loneliness instead?
Did they know that every time she needs to make a parenting decision, attend an event, celebrate a birth, or mourn a death, she will grieve the loss of her husband all over again?
Were they aware that Tim's presence will be missed by a wife and a daughter every day for the rest of their lives?
Did they know?

Did they know that an entire country would rally around Tim's wife and daughter?
Did they know that relatives, friends, and strangers alike would volunteer their time and their love to help this hurting family?
Did they know that for all the tears shed - by family, by friends, and by complete strangers - God kept count?
Did they know that those tears would be matched by immeasurable amounts of prayer, of people coming before the Father of All to ask Him to hold and heal and comfort?
Did they know that no matter how evil their motives and how black their minds, the loving grace of God shines through, even in this?
Did they know that the wife and daughter have a God who promises to comfort the widow and to be a Father to the Fatherless?
Did these men know that this family's broken hearts are held by a God whose heart is breaking too?

Tonight, I am sad; in my sadness, I am thankful that "we do not mourn as those who do not have hope."

So, How are you?

If you were to ask my right now how I am, and I were to be completely honest, it would be a long and complicated answer. You see, I don't really know... There are a lot of possible answers to that. So do I answer "Good, how are you?" or do I say "I'm doing all right" or maybe I should say "Not so great."

Why so many possible answers? 

Just because. Because there are a lot of emotions in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my head, and I'm not quite sure how they all come together.

You see, I'm happy. I'm happy because I handed in my Honours thesis and a curriculum unit, both of which were massive school projects. I'm proud to be done them. I'm also happy because I have God and great friends and a great dorm and a great family.

But, I'm also stressed. I have three exams in the next six days, plus packing up, getting my girls moved out, and working almost everyday. And an event that I'm organizing. So it's a bit stressful - trying to put enough studying time in is difficult.

I'm also a weird mix of motivated and not. I want to do well on my exams, to finish strong, and get scholarships. It's both a pride and a financial thing. But I'm so tired... I'm tired of school, and I'm tired of trying so hard and running to get so many things done. I just want it to be over.

I'm also in this weird state of reminiscing over time at Redeemer, being ready for the end of the year, but being sad that my BA and my time in dorm is over. It feels like I'm losing something.

I'm also very sad. This I think is the one that is messing me up the most. A close family friend committed suicide last week. My heart breaks for his wife and kids. My parents are close to his wife, and I babysat the four children for years, and I can't quite reconcile that this has happened. The questions are there, and I won't get answers, because there are no answers. I can be okay with that, but I have a much harder time being okay with that for his family. I struggle with the thought that they struggle with questions, and probably will for a while. I hated being at school instead of at home.

So all of these emotions and all of these thoughts swirl around in my head and my heart... What do I do with them? How do I know how I am or what I need?

I don't really have a good answer for those questions, just like I don't have a good answer for the question "Hey, how are you?" (which, by the way, do most people even mean? Food for thought.)

A thought came to me though when I was struggling through this. "All things cohere in Christ," or "All things hold together in Christ." If I trust Him, and put my heart in His hands, and submit my thoughts to Him, He promises to pull it all together. In Him, I have someone who understands that I am happy and sad, excited and confused, and confused about the paradox. So maybe it's okay that I don't know how all of these emotions and thoughts come together to make up my current state. 

Maybe it's okay that I don't know how it all works together because I know who works it all together. 

Being Busy.

Writing this post is not a wise decision, by math anyway. By math, I should go to bed like... yesterday. Instead, I'm on my computer, but I think it might not be so bad. Maybe in all of the craziness that is this week, time to unwind is more important than sleep? (To give some context - I am finishing my thesis, I have my thesis defense in three days, a 100 page curriculum unit due the same day as my 50 page thesis, three exams, and another major paper. All due in the next 14 days. And I have to close up dorm. So, to put it mildly, I've been a bit stressed. Mostly about the thesis defense - presentations aren't my thing.)


But some good things happened. I finished the rough draft of my major paper, I almost completed my unit, and I made my presentation way better, and it turns out, I have the first four slides memorized. Who knew?! I also was craving chocolate, and guess what showed up two minutes later, in the form of a thank-you from a neighbor for editing his paper! That was pretty awesome. Then I did devos, and showered, and now I'm blogging while watching random videos.

Why am I sharing this, you ask? Because I tend to focus on my physical needs as coming before my soul needs. I tend to get busy - very busy - and the Bible stays in the same place, untouched, for a few days. I tend to pray, but not with full attention, not with the adoration and reliance on God that He deserves. Business can suck away good intentions and prioritized lists.

Fight this.

Feed your spirit; feed your soul.

Maybe I just needed that hug I got. I definitely needed that time with God, and this blogging thing is so relaxing... Maybe, just maybe, this is more important than sleep.

Maybe I'll regret this decision in seven hours when my alarm goes off.

He Waits.

I have a random thought for anyone who happens to read this. I finished Grace for the Good Girl tonight, and one line stuck out to me. The author is talking about a car accident, and she says "I waited for the anxiety to pass. It didn't. Not for a long time, anyway. So I waited. He waited too." This struck me as so profound, and so beautiful. That when we are waiting for peace, or for joy, He is too. He is with us, even if we do not feel it. I was reading in John, the third chapter near the end (which doesn't get read as much because people get stuck on 3:16). John the Baptist is talking about Jesus and He says "for God gives the Spirit without limit" or in another translation "does not give the Spirit by measure." This too really struck me. God doesn't give us just part of His Spirit, wait till we pray the right number of prayers and then give us some more. No! He gives freely, and we have that Spirit working in us, all of it, all-sufficient for us, speaking words of truth, directing where we should go, bringing us to our Heavenly Father.

Lies war with truth.

It has been a hard month. Not in terms of circumstances - that has been ups and downs, like the rest of life. Rather, it has been a bit difficult in terms of my soul, my spirit... I have been struggling with self-esteem/self-worth/self-doubt, whatever term you want to use.

Self - esteem, especially in terms of my looks, has been a struggle for me since my early teens. It got so much better after I found that my identity comes not from who I am, but whose I am. I am a child of God, loved and treasured by Him. Most of the time, I am confident in that. I know who I am. I know that I seek after God with my whole heart. I know that He has given me certain gifts. I know that even if He didn't, I would still be loved.

However, these doubts seem to be my thorn. My trigger. My area in which the devil can come in and attack. He feeds me lies about my worth, about my abilities, about my looks... about every area, bringing in doubts that eat away at my confidence in Christ and my identity in Him. For some reason, I can't seem to shake it this time. At the end of a day, I realize that I have overanalyzed everything I've said, looking for mistakes I made or thinking about comments people made that somehow I make out to be negative. And at the end of the day, I realize that I have let my joy walk out the door as soon as I let the doubts walk in. I don't know if you've faced these types of doubts before, but they shake you. They make life harder. Doubts pervade until all else is driven out and that is the only voice you hear.

Why? Why do I do this every time? Why can't I stand strong in who God made me to be?

When will I stand up and say 'enough!'?

God promises me joy. My heavenly Father calls me beautiful. He showers me with gifts that show His love and His grace. And He will grant me grace and the strength to get through this. To reject the lies, instead rejoicing in the truths that God gives me. He will bring beauty when all I see in myself is brokenness. I will trust "that He who has begun a good work will finish it unto completion," that I am "the apple of His eye," that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."

I will proclaim truth.

Be grateful.

It is 2 a.m. (well, 1:58 to be precise).

I think strange things at night, when my dorm is sleeping... all is dark and quiet. As I finished up homework and finally started to ready for bed, I somehow started to think about what my thoughts will be at the end of this school year. In seven short weeks (although I know at times they will feel long), my B.A., my time in dorm - it will be over. I'm back at Redeemer for a final year to finish my second degree, my B.Ed., but it won't be the same. I have cherished my time here. It has been fun. It has been hard. It has been laughter, and tears, and growth.

So, when I am finished this season, what will I think?

I think my thoughts will sound something like this: "To my Dorm 28 girls - Thank you. Thank you for being part of my journey and letting me be part of yours. We walked through some really tough stuff, but we never walked alone, supported by each other and by our Heavenly Father who unites us. We cried  We laughed. A lot! The sound of your laughter is precious to me. I feel incredibly honored to have been a part of it all. You have all taught and grown and blessed me in very unique ways, and I love you. To my roommate of four years - where to even begin? We've lived together long enough that you can probably predict the words out of my mouth better than I can. So rather than attempt it, know that I love you beyond words and that you have been a true expression of Christ's love to me on innumerable occasions. Insert a whole ton of laughter, some tears, and a ridiculous amount of inside jokes that are funny to us but probably so stupid to everyone else, and you pretty much have it. Thank you so much for being the incredible friend that you are. To my neighbors, thank you - we had so much fun! I promise to not steal anymore oven doors, although the blame for that still lies squarely on Mel. To my friends, to everyone in this community that has made these four years so special, thank you. How blessed am I!"

This reflection on future reflections may seem a bit odd, but as I was thinking about it, I realized that thinking now about thinking in the future about thinking back (make sense of that, I dare you!) makes me see God's faithfulness, His love, and His innumerable blessings over not only this year, but all four years. I have been stretched and grown in leadership, in character, in trust, in faith, and in friendship, and Redeemer has been a huge part of it. I'm so glad that I'm not leaving for good quite yet.

This is a pretty long and sappy post, but it is a reminder to me. Be grateful. Live in the moment. God has given you that moment for a reason. These thoughts come after a week containing struggle and sadness as a family member suffered a loss. These thoughts come before a week in which my far-too-full agenda threatens to punch me in the face. Still - in this particular moment, I choose to be filled with gratitude for the wonderful people and experiences that God has blessed me with, and although a mountain of assignments looms directly in front of me, perilous and frightening, I still know I am blessed. The mountain is, in itself, a blessing. How can I not be thankful - the love of my Heavenly Father overwhelms me!

So I am grateful.

Today, Jesus...

I have a confession.

The skit guys said in one of their videos "If you're not moving towards God, you're moving away from Him." I think I moved away from Him this week. Oh, it wasn't intentional, and there wasn't really a cause. It just ... happened. I got busy - school piled up, birthdays were celebrated, and somehow, my priorities got all messed up! And I'm just realizing it now!

What brought me to this realization, you ask? Well, we were having dorm devos, and it was on how God made you in His image and is crafting you to be more like Him. We started with quiet time, and as I was praying, I realized that was the first time I had been truly quiet with God all week. I realized that I felt drained, that I had fallen back into wearing my masks of being who I thought others wanted me to be, of being dependable, and good, and the model Christian girl. And I had been feeling like a failure, so I had tried harder to atone for my failure.

Why is it that no matter how much grace is preached to me, and God whispers it in my heart, I always forget?

Galatians 5:1 says "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage."

I got entangled again this week. A place of trying and trying and trying is NOT a place of freedom. God is still telling me to wait, and remain, and be still. Like five times during devos alone, with verses, and the cover of my Bible, and in devos, and in my heart. But I'm not doing that - so I've been stressed and overwhelmed and panicky - not outwardly (that's not my style) but in the little horrid voice inside my head that says "you can't do this; you will fail; and then you will let people down, and what will they think?"

Again, that is not a place of freedom.

After dorm devos, I came up to my room and spent time with God. How refreshing!!! Remind me again why I didn't make this a priority?! I read more of Galations. I prayed. I journaled. And I read Grace for the Good Girl, another chapter (which I'm pretty sure God had her write just for me), and at the end of it, the author relayed a story from her husband on a missions trip, who was a bit overwhelmed. However, he closed the conversation with "Today, Jesus wears overalls."

Well, that phrase - Today, Jesus ... - is now posted in my room in a couple different places. When I wake up in the morning, this is my usually monologue: "I have to edit that paper and read over that thing and call maintenance for the dorm and make sure I let the girls know about this and do readings for that other class and work on this project and go to work and mark those exams and don't forget to reply to that email about the FTA thing and you have a meeting with this person at two and you should follow up with that person about that thing they are struggling with ... and ... and ... "

Instead, I will say, "Today, Jesus wears a hoodie and jeans and pays attention in class. Today, Jesus edits that paper and reads over that thing and calls maintenance for the dorm. Today, Jesus in me will let  the girls know about that thing and does readings for that other class. Today, Jesus wears whatever is clean in the closet and works on that project and goes to work and marks those exams. Today, Jesus will remember to reply to that email about the FTA thing and has that meeting with this person at two. Today, Jesus can follow up with that person who is struggling."

Today, Jesus.

So much freedom in that phrase! I don't need to do everything anymore. I can take a backseat, let Jesus drive my life, let people see Him instead of me. "Christ in you, the hope of glory!" "It is not I that lives, but Christ that lives in me!" Today, Jesus.

I will struggle with identity again. I will struggle with my masks again. But God has and will forgiven me for times of failure and when I say, "Today Jesus will help me," He really will.

Waiting versus Passivity.

Life seems to be summed up in two hard words: Balance and Paradox. You are either stuck trying to find balance or you are trying to figure out the truth of a paradox (which is hard just because of the nature of a paradox). 

One of these that has come up so much to me recently is waiting versus passivity. The paradox is that we are called to wait but we are not to be passive. Where is the line there? How do you wait but still be active? 

Does that seem like a paradox to anyone else? Or is it just me?

Wikepedia's wiktionary defines waiting as: 

1. (transitive, now rare) To delay movement or action until the arrival or occurrence of; to await. (Now generally superseded by "wait for".) 
2. (intransitive) To delay movement or action until some event or time; to remain neglected or in readiness.

   Wait here until your car arrives.

   
   

It defines passivity as:

1. Being subjected to an action without producing a reaction.
2. Taking no action.

   He remained passive during the protest.

3. (grammar) Being in the passive voice.
4. (psychology) Being inactive and submissive in a relationship

The difference that I find here is that waiting is for or on or until. As Christians, we wait for God to move, we wait on God, we wait until God shows us what to do. On the other hand, passivity is just inactivity. It does not have a  purpose, and it does not respond or react. 

So what does this mean for me, waiting on God but still being active. Well, I'm active in waiting. I am actively expecting God to move; I am watching and listening to hear Him. Waiting on God does not mean I do nothing. It means I draw close to Him and choose to trust that His plan will be revealed when it should be and how it should be. I fight passivity - I fight the urge to just check out, to do it on my own, to worry. 

A little more on waiting - God gives similar commands when He says "remain," "stay," "abide," "rest." It is a matter of trust. Worrying is an automatic move out of God's presence and towards your old sinful flesh. Let God be the object of those 'remain, stay, abide, rest' verbs. Focus on the Father, actively seeking to spend time with Him, trusting that any other 'active' thing that He has called you to do, He will prepare the way. Trust that any need that you may be tempted to fill on your own, He will fill. If there is action for you to take, then you wait until He has told you about that action. 

This is so much easier to say (or type) than to do. There is a poem that ends like this - "When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart." This gets at the core of waiting, remaining, abiding, and resting. Value your relationship with God, and trust that anything else He has for you in this life will be a result of His blessing it and preparing you rather than a result of you going out and "making it happen." 

As trees walking.

(I said in my very first blog post that "Brokenness Aside" was mainly to give me a space, a way to organize what I write on different topics. Well, I write when things impact me: an experience, a verse, a conversation. Anything that I need structure to process.

I wrote this last year, during my third year, based off of a lectura divina exercise we did in my Psychology of Spirituality class. In lectura divina, a passage of Scripture is read several times; the listener is to absorb it, to see themselves in the story, to let it be that two-edged sword. In this particular case, I found it quite powerful.) 

Everyone is familiar with the story of Jesus healing the blind man. He took him out of the village, put saliva on his eyes, did it again, and he could see. End of story. But is it really that simple? There are so many possible lessons to this. Why did Jesus take him out of the village? Why did he tell him not to return to the village after, but just go home? Why did he use spit? Why in stages and not all at once? The answers to each of these questions can teach us something different—this isn't as black and white as it seems.

When I was made to put aside my contextualization and my biases and my prior learning of the text, to simply sit and listen to the words and let God speak to me through God's living and active Word, one phrase stood out— “I see men like trees walking.” I can't imagine the emotions the man felt at this moment. Joy, for this is more than he saw before. Hope—perhaps the healing would continue; maybe Jesus of Nazareth was all they said He was. Fear, that the healing would not continue—this this would be a teaser, a reminder of the beauty he was missing.

I feel often this way in the spiritual realm - I see things blurry, out of focus, not as they should be. I see men as trees walking. When something happens, something that is bad, wrong, hurtful, devastating, we can see some blurry images—perhaps we are not sure what they are, or we think we know but have a mixed image. We know in the blurriness that God has a purpose, that His glory will come, but we can't see it yet. We see only a glimpse, a dream, of what it could be. We see men as trees walking; we don't see the fullness or the details.

The second thing that struck me was the way Jesus responded. It was part of God's plan. He put his hand back on the man's eyes, and the man looked intently.

When I thought about how this part applied to me, two actions stood out. First, when we can't get a clear picture, when we only see the things right in front of us, and those things aren't even that clear, we need to wait for God's hand on the situation. That is what brings healing. That is what brings hope. Secondly, the man looked intently. He was not content with seeing men like trees. He strained his eyes; he yearned for more. As we wait for God's hand to move, we are not to be passive. The man didn't close his eyes and quit looking just because his vision wasn't clear! Look for ways that God is blessing through the storm, that His light peeps through our blindness.

And sight comes. And through the process, we have learned and grown.

As we wait and watch and perhaps gain clearer pictures of those events in the here and now, we also wait and watch for the glorious day when we see all as it should be. Paul says “For now I see through a glass darkly, but then I shall see face to face.” "

Men as trees walking. One line, but so powerful. How often do we take time to put aside our contextualization and our memories of the sermons we've heard preached on a passage and just let it sink into our soul? The Bible is God's love letter to us, written for His glory and our sanctification. 

This may be especially so when we are in that moment of grey. That moment of knowing about God's goodness but not seeing it. Of seeing men as trees walking. That is when we wait for God, seeking with the expectation that in His time, He lays His finger over our eyes, and we see.

Remain.

I have a question. It has to be purely rhetorical, because no one can answer it until heaven. But do you think that Jesus, when the crowd yelled "If you're the Christ, make yourself come down!" was tempted to do just that?

Well, obviously yes, that would be tempting. In that amount of pain, resisting that temptation would have been almost impossible. Almost. But that's not really what I meant when I asked that question. This verse came up in a sermon, and I thought, "If someone said, do (x), so I know God is real," and it was in my power to do so, I would probably take them up on it, with the motive of showing them God.

Was Jesus tempted to come down so that they would believe? We won't know until heaven, I suppose, but if He was, what kept Him there?

I think it was His trust in His Father and His love for us. His knowledge of what was needed for redemption and His trust in His Father were bigger than His need to prove Himself to that crowd. Which is saying a lot, considering the humiliation He had been through.

How does that apply to me? When someone is taunting me to prove myself, do I stop to think if this is God's plan? Am I willing to appear as though I've lost the argument because I ultimately know that God's plans are bigger?

There is a story I heard once about a missionary who served in Haiti (if my memory serves me correctly). He had done good work in his village, had an impact on the people, but one day the village witch doctor came out to challenge him. Through the power of the demonic realm, this man was able to levitate off of the ground, putting all of the watching villages into a state again of fear. The witch doctor challenged the missionary, asking if his God could equal that power.

The missionary prayed quietly. "What do I do?" In his head, he envisioned a grand display, perhaps a flying demonstration with a few loop-de-loops thrown in! Instead, God whispered, "You just command them - 'drop him.' " And the witch doctor fell to the ground.

Sometimes the most effective way to show God's power is to be light in the dark places. Not to be a display but to be a presence  To be a mirror that reflects the heart of God's love. That is what Jesus did on that cross. He didn't put on a display, but He was the epitome of God's love for us. And ultimately that reconciled the entire world unto Himself, a much more powerful thing than if He had demonstrated His power to remove Himself from the cross.

As someone who has received that grace, and ought to every day be grateful beyond words for Him staying on the cross and enduring that pain, can I make those same decisions? To remain in the dark places, to swallow my desire to prove God through loop-de-loops, and to simply be His light, whether that be loud or quiet, by action or by simply remaining?

Sometimes remaining is harder than doing. Doing requires courage too, but I think I still have a harder time when God says, "Sarah, be still. Wait. Remain. Stop trying to do and just be." I'm not good at that. It links back to the whole identity thing in my last post.

In a situation of spiritual warfare, of brokenness and darkness, it is hard to just be and to let the love of Christ shine through you without running away or wanting to fix it your way with 'doing.' However, a candle doesn't need to do anything to combat the darkness; it just is. It exists. It allows its nature to come forth. This is what God calls us to do - allow our nature, the new nature He has given us of His love and His mercy, shine forth. And the darkness has no choice but to retreat.

Ephesians 6:13 - "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

John 15:4 "Remain in me and I will remain in you."

Masks.

Identity is a strange thing. Masks are a strange concept. We humans are so weird.

God gives us grace - freely, wonderfully, abundantly - and still we strive and strive to earn it. Why on earth do we do that? I started thinking about this based on a book I'm reading. The premise is that we (meaning specifically Christian woman raised in church, although others struggle with this as well) have been trained with this image, this expectation, of how we should act and who we should be. Strong, but feminine. The perfect homemaker. The ideal wife. The awesome mom. The great student. The best worker. On and on the list continues. This book talks about peace ruling, like an umpire. About not wearing masks of having to do it all and be it all. "Do less and be more." Some of those lines seem to have been written specifically for me.

I wrestled with that for a bit, still searching to identify how this would change me. I asked God where I should start reading in my Bible. Answer? Galatians  Well, the first chapter has this verse in it: "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

So we are back to the question.. "Sarah, why are you trying to do everything, do it perfectly, without even stressing (or looking like it anyway)?"

Am I truly getting an aspect of my identity from the fact that people see me as reliable, responsible, the go-to girl to get stuff done, she-can-do-everything? I thought about this question a bit last semester, but maybe I should have thought about it more. I kinda think that this might be why I've been down lately. I know God wants me to let go of this. But it's HARD. The image that comes to mind is myself as an ice sculpture. God has the little anvil and hammer, and it's a piece that He needs to take off so that I look like Him, like I'm supposed to. Right now the sculpture isn't complete, because there is this chunk of ice hanging off me, weighing me down, but foolishly, I like it there - it is comfortable. I'm used to it.

As I was thinking about this, I thought about Martha and Mary in the Bible. I'd had a conversation recently with some friends about it, and how Martha didn't seem all that bad - hospitality is good, right? Then we reread it and realized her heart wasn't right. She was worried, not trusting.

I've wavered a few times over whether I was a Martha or a Mary. Well, in this thought process of today, I realized. My heart would be Mary - I would love to be sitting at Jesus' feet, listening, learning, loving. But - and it's a big but - as soon as Martha came out with food, I would be compelled to help, not because I felt compassion for hungry guests, but because if I stayed seated, Martha looked liked the perfect hostess and I looked like a slacker. Martha was good and being a servant - being the perfect Christian girl, acting like we are 'supposed to' - while I just sat there? Nope, couldn't let it happen. I would have been up and helping to protect that precious block of ice still attached to my identity. I would have done what I thought was my duty, my responsibility. I would have been the Mary with the wrong heart. Worried, not trusting.

This was not a comfortable revelation for me (tangent: is there any such thing as a comfortable revelation?). When put in context of that story  I could see clearly that it wasn't right. But now what? How do I let Jesus chip away that extra chunk of ice that has been part of me for so long?

Surrender.

Hello, my name is...

Hello. My name is Sarah and I am new blogger.

I don't really know where to start or how to start, but I guess since this is my blog and I doubt many people will read it, it doesn't make much of a difference! That thought is a little freeing actually. I started this because I end up writing my thoughts down anyway, and I thought maybe blogging would give me a sort of structure (as opposed to the current system of random word documents, sticky notes, and scrap pieces of paper).

A little bit about me and this blog... I'm from a family of 8, I grew up on a dairy farm, and I'm in my fourth year of obtaining B.A. and B.Ed. degrees. I love children, have a passion for education, and a passion for people in general. Relationships with those around me are really important to me, but my relationship with my Father in heaven is most important to me.

I named this blog "Brokenness Aside" based off of a song by All Sons and Daughters. The chorus goes like this:
"I am a sinner,
If it's not one thing it's another,
Caught up in words,
Tangled in lies.
You are a Saviour,
And you take Brokenness Aside,
And make it beautiful,
Beautiful."

I was a sinner; I was and am saved by grace, completely undeserved. For some reason, God loves me and saved me. But sometimes that sin catches up with me and I fall.

Something God is always showing me is that He picks us back up again and we grow. He is our Saviour who takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful. This is what drives life, in all of its paradox and brokenness and beauty.