Today, Jesus...

I have a confession.

The skit guys said in one of their videos "If you're not moving towards God, you're moving away from Him." I think I moved away from Him this week. Oh, it wasn't intentional, and there wasn't really a cause. It just ... happened. I got busy - school piled up, birthdays were celebrated, and somehow, my priorities got all messed up! And I'm just realizing it now!

What brought me to this realization, you ask? Well, we were having dorm devos, and it was on how God made you in His image and is crafting you to be more like Him. We started with quiet time, and as I was praying, I realized that was the first time I had been truly quiet with God all week. I realized that I felt drained, that I had fallen back into wearing my masks of being who I thought others wanted me to be, of being dependable, and good, and the model Christian girl. And I had been feeling like a failure, so I had tried harder to atone for my failure.

Why is it that no matter how much grace is preached to me, and God whispers it in my heart, I always forget?

Galatians 5:1 says "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage."

I got entangled again this week. A place of trying and trying and trying is NOT a place of freedom. God is still telling me to wait, and remain, and be still. Like five times during devos alone, with verses, and the cover of my Bible, and in devos, and in my heart. But I'm not doing that - so I've been stressed and overwhelmed and panicky - not outwardly (that's not my style) but in the little horrid voice inside my head that says "you can't do this; you will fail; and then you will let people down, and what will they think?"

Again, that is not a place of freedom.

After dorm devos, I came up to my room and spent time with God. How refreshing!!! Remind me again why I didn't make this a priority?! I read more of Galations. I prayed. I journaled. And I read Grace for the Good Girl, another chapter (which I'm pretty sure God had her write just for me), and at the end of it, the author relayed a story from her husband on a missions trip, who was a bit overwhelmed. However, he closed the conversation with "Today, Jesus wears overalls."

Well, that phrase - Today, Jesus ... - is now posted in my room in a couple different places. When I wake up in the morning, this is my usually monologue: "I have to edit that paper and read over that thing and call maintenance for the dorm and make sure I let the girls know about this and do readings for that other class and work on this project and go to work and mark those exams and don't forget to reply to that email about the FTA thing and you have a meeting with this person at two and you should follow up with that person about that thing they are struggling with ... and ... and ... "

Instead, I will say, "Today, Jesus wears a hoodie and jeans and pays attention in class. Today, Jesus edits that paper and reads over that thing and calls maintenance for the dorm. Today, Jesus in me will let  the girls know about that thing and does readings for that other class. Today, Jesus wears whatever is clean in the closet and works on that project and goes to work and marks those exams. Today, Jesus will remember to reply to that email about the FTA thing and has that meeting with this person at two. Today, Jesus can follow up with that person who is struggling."

Today, Jesus.

So much freedom in that phrase! I don't need to do everything anymore. I can take a backseat, let Jesus drive my life, let people see Him instead of me. "Christ in you, the hope of glory!" "It is not I that lives, but Christ that lives in me!" Today, Jesus.

I will struggle with identity again. I will struggle with my masks again. But God has and will forgiven me for times of failure and when I say, "Today Jesus will help me," He really will.