So, How are you?

If you were to ask my right now how I am, and I were to be completely honest, it would be a long and complicated answer. You see, I don't really know... There are a lot of possible answers to that. So do I answer "Good, how are you?" or do I say "I'm doing all right" or maybe I should say "Not so great."

Why so many possible answers? 

Just because. Because there are a lot of emotions in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my head, and I'm not quite sure how they all come together.

You see, I'm happy. I'm happy because I handed in my Honours thesis and a curriculum unit, both of which were massive school projects. I'm proud to be done them. I'm also happy because I have God and great friends and a great dorm and a great family.

But, I'm also stressed. I have three exams in the next six days, plus packing up, getting my girls moved out, and working almost everyday. And an event that I'm organizing. So it's a bit stressful - trying to put enough studying time in is difficult.

I'm also a weird mix of motivated and not. I want to do well on my exams, to finish strong, and get scholarships. It's both a pride and a financial thing. But I'm so tired... I'm tired of school, and I'm tired of trying so hard and running to get so many things done. I just want it to be over.

I'm also in this weird state of reminiscing over time at Redeemer, being ready for the end of the year, but being sad that my BA and my time in dorm is over. It feels like I'm losing something.

I'm also very sad. This I think is the one that is messing me up the most. A close family friend committed suicide last week. My heart breaks for his wife and kids. My parents are close to his wife, and I babysat the four children for years, and I can't quite reconcile that this has happened. The questions are there, and I won't get answers, because there are no answers. I can be okay with that, but I have a much harder time being okay with that for his family. I struggle with the thought that they struggle with questions, and probably will for a while. I hated being at school instead of at home.

So all of these emotions and all of these thoughts swirl around in my head and my heart... What do I do with them? How do I know how I am or what I need?

I don't really have a good answer for those questions, just like I don't have a good answer for the question "Hey, how are you?" (which, by the way, do most people even mean? Food for thought.)

A thought came to me though when I was struggling through this. "All things cohere in Christ," or "All things hold together in Christ." If I trust Him, and put my heart in His hands, and submit my thoughts to Him, He promises to pull it all together. In Him, I have someone who understands that I am happy and sad, excited and confused, and confused about the paradox. So maybe it's okay that I don't know how all of these emotions and thoughts come together to make up my current state. 

Maybe it's okay that I don't know how it all works together because I know who works it all together.