Doubts.

What is this blog about? Good question.

I don't know.

I'm defying one of the first rules of writing, by starting my draft before I plan and outline it. I promise I'll teach my students better.

So many thoughts swirling around... different things that have come up in the past month for me to think about and ponder... Somehow, they are all connected I think. But I'm not sure yet how, so, out of the list of five or six things that are listed on a sticky-note (which, if it had a title, would be called "Sarah, think about the following..."), I think tonight I'll think about doubt. Because honestly, this is the one that is affecting my heart the most, not just my brain.

Last week in particular, I was struggling, but in that teensy-eensy annoying, unsettled way. There wasn't anything definite that I felt was wrong, it was just that I didn't feel right. Aggravating. And I didn't really acknowledge it until my sister asked me intentionally how I was doing, for real (Folks, ask people this. Especially if their love language is heart-focused. Huge way to love on someone. I'll post on that, too, at some point. Add it to the list.) My reply? "I'm good. I think I'm good. Yeah.... I'm good."

Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself a little bit, right?

She stayed silent. Waited.

And I amended my answer.

For me, if I don't really know how I'm doing, something is probably keeping me from 'good.' I tend to be a fairly mindful person. Let me halt for a moment and define mindfulness - Mindfulness is simply being aware of yourself, including body, spirit, and soul (mind, will, and emotions). It's a practice I have intentionally cultivated, to further my growth with God - to know how He is working in me, or how my flesh is distracting me. So, if I'm not aware, it's probably because something that is not God is distracting me, stealing my peace, my joy...

I told her, "I think something is a bit off, because I don't know how I am. But I don't know what the 'off' thing is either."

A few days later, I was walking from the store where I work to the staff parking lot, which is on the opposite side of the vineyard. It was evening. The sun was setting, birds were chirping, the grape vines were growing and beautiful. But I was reviewing one of the interactions I had had, wondering if I came off wrong, if I said the wrong thing.

I doubted. And it stole the beauty of that moment. It stole the joy that I would have, should have, found in that beauty.

I've mentioned before that I have struggled with self-esteem. Physical, Emotional, Personality-wise, Situation-wise. All of it. And by God's grace, in that moment in the vineyard, I was able to identify what was making me not 'good.'

Doubts.

Tiny doubts that come into your thoughts in such a sly way so as to avoid your realizing that they are arrived.

Powerful, quiet doubts.

Doubts that hide in thoughts and circumstances and comparison and pride.

Doubts that say you should have, ought to, why didn't you.

Doubts that whisper in your ear that you are not as pretty, as funny, as competent. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not competent enough.

Doubts that say you are not enough.

These were a different sort of spiritual attack for me. In the past, my self-esteem/comparison/mask-wearing issues have hit me head-on. No beating around the bush. They screamed at me - "You are not enough!" Commanding. Accusing.

This time, demons whispered. So seemingly innocuous. So horribly infiltrating. "You are not enough?" Quiet. Suggesting. Manipulating.

It's funny, the power that naming the battle has. The power of knowing your opponent. But way more than that, knowing your ally.

You see, my ally is Christ. Yup, that's right. My ally is the Creator of the Universe, Saviour of all, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The Truth! I wish I could emphasize that more...

"And the Truth shall set you free."

The truth will set me free. The truth is setting me free. The truth has set me free.

That's not to say that I don't still battle with doubts. Little things everyday this week have threatened to shift my gaze from Truth to Doubt. From Christ to myself. From His power to my failures.

So still, I battle. "But not I, but Christ who lives in me."

So even if everything is not perfect and I am not perfect and I don't do things perfectly, I can, with that knowledge of my ally, Truth, truly say, "How am I doing? ...I'm good. By God's grace, I'm good."