So, How are you?

If you were to ask my right now how I am, and I were to be completely honest, it would be a long and complicated answer. You see, I don't really know... There are a lot of possible answers to that. So do I answer "Good, how are you?" or do I say "I'm doing all right" or maybe I should say "Not so great."

Why so many possible answers? 

Just because. Because there are a lot of emotions in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my head, and I'm not quite sure how they all come together.

You see, I'm happy. I'm happy because I handed in my Honours thesis and a curriculum unit, both of which were massive school projects. I'm proud to be done them. I'm also happy because I have God and great friends and a great dorm and a great family.

But, I'm also stressed. I have three exams in the next six days, plus packing up, getting my girls moved out, and working almost everyday. And an event that I'm organizing. So it's a bit stressful - trying to put enough studying time in is difficult.

I'm also a weird mix of motivated and not. I want to do well on my exams, to finish strong, and get scholarships. It's both a pride and a financial thing. But I'm so tired... I'm tired of school, and I'm tired of trying so hard and running to get so many things done. I just want it to be over.

I'm also in this weird state of reminiscing over time at Redeemer, being ready for the end of the year, but being sad that my BA and my time in dorm is over. It feels like I'm losing something.

I'm also very sad. This I think is the one that is messing me up the most. A close family friend committed suicide last week. My heart breaks for his wife and kids. My parents are close to his wife, and I babysat the four children for years, and I can't quite reconcile that this has happened. The questions are there, and I won't get answers, because there are no answers. I can be okay with that, but I have a much harder time being okay with that for his family. I struggle with the thought that they struggle with questions, and probably will for a while. I hated being at school instead of at home.

So all of these emotions and all of these thoughts swirl around in my head and my heart... What do I do with them? How do I know how I am or what I need?

I don't really have a good answer for those questions, just like I don't have a good answer for the question "Hey, how are you?" (which, by the way, do most people even mean? Food for thought.)

A thought came to me though when I was struggling through this. "All things cohere in Christ," or "All things hold together in Christ." If I trust Him, and put my heart in His hands, and submit my thoughts to Him, He promises to pull it all together. In Him, I have someone who understands that I am happy and sad, excited and confused, and confused about the paradox. So maybe it's okay that I don't know how all of these emotions and thoughts come together to make up my current state. 

Maybe it's okay that I don't know how it all works together because I know who works it all together. 

Being Busy.

Writing this post is not a wise decision, by math anyway. By math, I should go to bed like... yesterday. Instead, I'm on my computer, but I think it might not be so bad. Maybe in all of the craziness that is this week, time to unwind is more important than sleep? (To give some context - I am finishing my thesis, I have my thesis defense in three days, a 100 page curriculum unit due the same day as my 50 page thesis, three exams, and another major paper. All due in the next 14 days. And I have to close up dorm. So, to put it mildly, I've been a bit stressed. Mostly about the thesis defense - presentations aren't my thing.)


But some good things happened. I finished the rough draft of my major paper, I almost completed my unit, and I made my presentation way better, and it turns out, I have the first four slides memorized. Who knew?! I also was craving chocolate, and guess what showed up two minutes later, in the form of a thank-you from a neighbor for editing his paper! That was pretty awesome. Then I did devos, and showered, and now I'm blogging while watching random videos.

Why am I sharing this, you ask? Because I tend to focus on my physical needs as coming before my soul needs. I tend to get busy - very busy - and the Bible stays in the same place, untouched, for a few days. I tend to pray, but not with full attention, not with the adoration and reliance on God that He deserves. Business can suck away good intentions and prioritized lists.

Fight this.

Feed your spirit; feed your soul.

Maybe I just needed that hug I got. I definitely needed that time with God, and this blogging thing is so relaxing... Maybe, just maybe, this is more important than sleep.

Maybe I'll regret this decision in seven hours when my alarm goes off.

He Waits.

I have a random thought for anyone who happens to read this. I finished Grace for the Good Girl tonight, and one line stuck out to me. The author is talking about a car accident, and she says "I waited for the anxiety to pass. It didn't. Not for a long time, anyway. So I waited. He waited too." This struck me as so profound, and so beautiful. That when we are waiting for peace, or for joy, He is too. He is with us, even if we do not feel it. I was reading in John, the third chapter near the end (which doesn't get read as much because people get stuck on 3:16). John the Baptist is talking about Jesus and He says "for God gives the Spirit without limit" or in another translation "does not give the Spirit by measure." This too really struck me. God doesn't give us just part of His Spirit, wait till we pray the right number of prayers and then give us some more. No! He gives freely, and we have that Spirit working in us, all of it, all-sufficient for us, speaking words of truth, directing where we should go, bringing us to our Heavenly Father.