On struggle

I cried today. 

Not the gentle mist in the eyes kind of cry. The I'm-in-public-but-I-can't-turn-off-the-faucet kind of cry.

For many reasons. Hurting friends. A grieving community. An overwhelming work schedule. Changes approaching in life. And mostly because Satan was taking all of those things plus a myriad of insecurities and hurtling them at me in attack after attack. And what should have been a joyful week for me, one of celebrating a good change, a blessing, turned into a struggle.

So at church, I cried. Starting the second the chords of "Lord, I Need You" began. And then again through every other song. And again when my brother asked at the end of my Sunday School lesson why I was cried in church. And again when my parents asked if I was okay. And  again when someone else did. And again in the car talking to my sister. And again when I was talking to God.

I've been struggling.

What follows is an excerpt from my prayer journal.

"I should know by now that pressing into you harder when struggles come is way more effective than pretending I'm not struggling.

But still I fail and learn again anyway.

My heart has not been quiet. Still. Peaceful. It has been anxious. Upset. Grieving. Doubting. Shameful.

Why is it that Satan can steal my joy and I don't notice? This should have been a joyful week... But instead he whispers... "You aren't good enough. You will fail. People will be disappointed in you. You won't be good enough. You are not good enough."

But I am. Because You made me. Because You call me by name. Because You have taken my guilt and shame to the cross and I bear it no more.

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul.

I know that, God. But still I struggle.

Help me."

A cry from an honest heart to a loving father.

And He answers. 

As my anxioius spirit juxtaposes the quiet of my bedroom, as I sip David's mint chocolate tea (God bless David), my Abba listens. And my heart knows that His heart knows. As I'm looking through my Bible for a verse, I come across two things. A bookmark. Made by a friend over eight years ago. On the back is written "To remind you that I'm praying for you!" Next a card - a prayer from a mentor and a friend. In it, the words "Go in Grace - You are human. Allow yourself to be! Go in strength - may your Almighty, living God be faithful to equip you for every task and relationship He calls you to." 

Encouragement.

And then. Words from the Father Himself. Sing, daughter. The Lord has taken away your judgments. The Lord is in your midst.... the Mighty One will save; Sarah, I will rejoice over you with gladness, I will quiet you with my love."

 

Promise.