Doubts.

What is this blog about? Good question.

I don't know.

I'm defying one of the first rules of writing, by starting my draft before I plan and outline it. I promise I'll teach my students better.

So many thoughts swirling around... different things that have come up in the past month for me to think about and ponder... Somehow, they are all connected I think. But I'm not sure yet how, so, out of the list of five or six things that are listed on a sticky-note (which, if it had a title, would be called "Sarah, think about the following..."), I think tonight I'll think about doubt. Because honestly, this is the one that is affecting my heart the most, not just my brain.

Last week in particular, I was struggling, but in that teensy-eensy annoying, unsettled way. There wasn't anything definite that I felt was wrong, it was just that I didn't feel right. Aggravating. And I didn't really acknowledge it until my sister asked me intentionally how I was doing, for real (Folks, ask people this. Especially if their love language is heart-focused. Huge way to love on someone. I'll post on that, too, at some point. Add it to the list.) My reply? "I'm good. I think I'm good. Yeah.... I'm good."

Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself a little bit, right?

She stayed silent. Waited.

And I amended my answer.

For me, if I don't really know how I'm doing, something is probably keeping me from 'good.' I tend to be a fairly mindful person. Let me halt for a moment and define mindfulness - Mindfulness is simply being aware of yourself, including body, spirit, and soul (mind, will, and emotions). It's a practice I have intentionally cultivated, to further my growth with God - to know how He is working in me, or how my flesh is distracting me. So, if I'm not aware, it's probably because something that is not God is distracting me, stealing my peace, my joy...

I told her, "I think something is a bit off, because I don't know how I am. But I don't know what the 'off' thing is either."

A few days later, I was walking from the store where I work to the staff parking lot, which is on the opposite side of the vineyard. It was evening. The sun was setting, birds were chirping, the grape vines were growing and beautiful. But I was reviewing one of the interactions I had had, wondering if I came off wrong, if I said the wrong thing.

I doubted. And it stole the beauty of that moment. It stole the joy that I would have, should have, found in that beauty.

I've mentioned before that I have struggled with self-esteem. Physical, Emotional, Personality-wise, Situation-wise. All of it. And by God's grace, in that moment in the vineyard, I was able to identify what was making me not 'good.'

Doubts.

Tiny doubts that come into your thoughts in such a sly way so as to avoid your realizing that they are arrived.

Powerful, quiet doubts.

Doubts that hide in thoughts and circumstances and comparison and pride.

Doubts that say you should have, ought to, why didn't you.

Doubts that whisper in your ear that you are not as pretty, as funny, as competent. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not competent enough.

Doubts that say you are not enough.

These were a different sort of spiritual attack for me. In the past, my self-esteem/comparison/mask-wearing issues have hit me head-on. No beating around the bush. They screamed at me - "You are not enough!" Commanding. Accusing.

This time, demons whispered. So seemingly innocuous. So horribly infiltrating. "You are not enough?" Quiet. Suggesting. Manipulating.

It's funny, the power that naming the battle has. The power of knowing your opponent. But way more than that, knowing your ally.

You see, my ally is Christ. Yup, that's right. My ally is the Creator of the Universe, Saviour of all, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The Truth! I wish I could emphasize that more...

"And the Truth shall set you free."

The truth will set me free. The truth is setting me free. The truth has set me free.

That's not to say that I don't still battle with doubts. Little things everyday this week have threatened to shift my gaze from Truth to Doubt. From Christ to myself. From His power to my failures.

So still, I battle. "But not I, but Christ who lives in me."

So even if everything is not perfect and I am not perfect and I don't do things perfectly, I can, with that knowledge of my ally, Truth, truly say, "How am I doing? ...I'm good. By God's grace, I'm good."

Reflections of Truth.

Walk with me on a little journey, would you? A figurative one, one of thoughts rather than movement, but a journey none the less.

A journey that begins with Truth. With Creation. With a Creator.

First, Truth. This word, spelled with a capital 'T,' is becoming my favorite word for representing the spiritual, God, heaven, righteousness, et cetera. Truth is all that is perfectly good and right. Perfect. Not improve-able.

As an artist starting a design on a project, what is your first step? A sketch? Not quite. First, you need to know the purpose of your project. Therefore, as a Creator designing a universe, don't you think God did the same thing?

And if His purpose was to glorify Himself, the Ultimate Truth, would modeling earth after heaven not be a wonderful way to start, a brilliant design concept?

At the next step on this journey, having started with the idea that Truth is the Ultimate right-ness, and that it cannot be improved upon and therefore is the model for all things that are to reflect that Truth, we come to the realization that Earth, therefore, must reflect heaven. So often, we look at societal constructs, at tradition, at humanities structures, and say, Well, that is just the way it has been for all time." Question for you, though: do you think these structures, like marriage, and family, and the church, and even the human body, just occurred at random? Or because God thought that they would work well?

Or did they occur because when God put those structures into place, He was modeling Truth?

Perhaps, just perhaps, all of these things in this 'natural' life we life, have something greater than their function... perhaps, just like us, these forms were created by the Creator, to glorify Him, to reflect His Truth.

Let's examine this a bit further. I believe that on earth, we can see glimpses of this Truth. That when you have  had a time of true worship, or an encouraging and uplifting conversation with a friend, or have seen the church pull together to support someone in need, that those are glimpses of God's kingdom in its perfection. "For now we see as through a glass, darkly." Until just recently, I didn't really think of the natural order of things as reflecting the spiritual order of God's kingdom.

Marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and His church. Family reflects the church which reflects the spiritual truths of unity and relationship and diverse functions that we see in God's relationship with the church, the angels, and us. Even the human body reflects these same truths. Kingdoms on earth, such as David's rule in the Old Testament, reflect Truth as well. We can see the concept of one being having authority, by right, to rule - those kingdoms in which the king reflected God were ones in which the rule carried both judgement and mercy, authority and love. Just like God's kingdom.

Truth - the way God meant things to be, in all of its perfection.

Does this not give us a greater responsibility then, to take these models of perfection in which we were placed, and in Christ's strength, to carry out His mandate, His purpose, in every aspect? To work out His Truth in our marriages, our family, and our churches?

1 Peter 5:10 
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

To be, or not to be.

That is the question.

I've had several discussions recently with some wonderful friends regarding the importance of just being.

Finances. Service. Ministry. Outreach. Witnessing. I believe that Christ's presence in your life should be manifested in all of these areas, in a way that is not forced but that is who to you are inside. So often, the world of Christianity talks about "works," "acts of service," "giving," and "helping." These are all great words, but I think sometimes we forget about what has to be behind all of them. We must simply be.

Finances: What am I? I am a child of God, provided for by Him. Blessed by Him because He loves me and because He wants me to bless others. But first of all, I am His child. When I give financially, I ought to give, not because that is the rule (ten percent or may hell-fire rain down on you!), and not because I feel either guilty because I have more or prideful because I give more, but because I am. I am His child, and out of that identity, I ask my Father to whom and how much I should give as His child, a steward of His resources. It might be more than ten percent; it might be less. It might be outside of what I think I can spare (How silly, to think that when God the Creator of the Universe loves you!), but as His child, do I trust Him enough to actually be His child and trust His provision?

Service/Ministry/Outreach: I don't work in Sunday School because I'm obligated or because I want to impress people. I do it because I am God's child... I do it because of who I am. I am God's child and He has given me a special love for children.

Witnessing: I was thinking of this in context of every day stuff like being a witness for Christ at school or at work. I work in a sales position... not at a church, or a shelter, or at an outreach mission, or at a school (yet! See http://skuipersclassroom.blogspot.ca/ :) ). I struggled with that when I was gearing up for the summer. Should I have a more noble, a more 'Christian' summer job? Where it felt like I could actually do some good? This is where the concept of being became so important to me. Rather than the witnessing coming for the 'doing' at work, it would come from the 'being,' allowing Christ's light to shine through me.

Sometimes, this is harder. You can't rely on your works, then, to validate you, to let you know you are being a 'good Christian.' Rather, you make small decisions that are true to who you are that let people see Christ in you. This requires a lot of waiting and remaining and not knowing if you are doing any good at all. But some "are called to plant and some to water, but God gives the increase." Resting in this, in that you are God's child, no matter where you are placed or how insignificant it seems, requires holding on to Him and holding on to truth - sometimes it is difficult, because we have to let go of the pride of men (oh look at how good she is, and how she serves) or our own self-worth struggles.

However, this is also a place of rest, to know that your worth comes from who you are - no matter what you are doing, that identity cannot be taken away from you. So many times we derive our value from what we can bring - in this case, the starting point, the motivation of our lives is our desire to do what seems right, what is right. However, that motivation alone cannot hold. It is law based, not truth based. That motivation comes from within us, and "even youths will faint and grow weary" when they try it on their own. On the other hand, "those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength." When we realize the source of our power, our Heavenly Father, and we realize that He strengthens us because we are His child, then we have the staying power to carry out his purposes. When we release our grasp on living by the rules and live truth, there is freedom.

There isn't really a way to "do" this. No formula to live by being instead of doing. Rather, it is a step by step, moment-by-moment communication with your Father that will keep you and me in that place in which doing comes from being, and when there is nothing, it seems, to do, we can simply be.