Monday, 27 April 2015

On the clock

Sigh.

I spent a lot of time looking at calendars today. Not to buy one. Not because the art was awesome. But my brain was pushing this: I need to survive the next seven weeks. And after that, I need to get this long list done in the next two months. And after that, the next year.

And staring at a calendar, at a clock, gives me the illusion that if I stare at, write down, plan, work hard enough, I can make it happen.



Now, I'm not saying burn all the calendars. As a teacher, my work life is ruled by the clock... bell for recess, bell for lunch, bell for bus. Gym schedule, computer schedule, classes. Calendars are essential. Long range plans. Upcoming events.

But, I can go too far. I can convince myself that it is my doing, my planning, that will get me through my schedule. I neglect grace.

Instead of writing "34 days left to get everything done," my time would be better spent writing "Trust in the Lord" on my heart.

Instead of stressing that family camping will take three days, that I forgot to schedule, out of my carefully planned summer life, I should really be thanking God for a blessed time to spend with the blessing of my family. 

I literally have April through August planned out, almost day to day. That doesn't leave alot of time to look for God in my days. Being focused on doing often means missing the seeing. The seeing of God's love and truth in the everyday.

So as I go, consulting clocks and bells and calendars, they will be tools. Tools to plan ahead, yes; tools to fulfill my responsibilities, yes - but not taskmasters. I will look up at life rather than down at my schedule. I will focus on the people around me to enjoy, rather than the list in front of me to be done.

I will be present.


Sunday, 12 April 2015

On struggle

I cried today. 

Not the gentle mist in the eyes kind of cry. The I'm-in-public-but-I-can't-turn-off-the-faucet kind of cry.

For many reasons. Hurting friends. A grieving community. An overwhelming work schedule. Changes approaching in life. And mostly because Satan was taking all of those things plus a myriad of insecurities and hurtling them at me in attack after attack. And what should have been a joyful week for me, one of celebrating a good change, a blessing, turned into a struggle.

So at church, I cried. Starting the second the chords of "Lord, I Need You" began. And then again through every other song. And again when my brother asked at the end of my Sunday School lesson why I was cried in church. And again when my parents asked if I was okay. And  again when someone else did. And again in the car talking to my sister. And again when I was talking to God.

I've been struggling.

What follows is an excerpt from my prayer journal.
"I should know by now that pressing into you harder when struggles come is way more effective than pretending I'm not struggling.

But still I fail and learn again anyway.

My heart has not been quiet. Still. Peaceful. It has been anxious. Upset. Grieving. Doubting. Shameful.

Why is it that Satan can steal my joy and I don't notice? This should have been a joyful week... But instead he whispers... "You aren't good enough. You will fail. People will be disappointed in you. You won't be good enough. You are not good enough."

But I am. Because You made me. Because You call me by name. Because You have taken my guilt and shame to the cross and I bear it no more.

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul.

I know that, God. But still I struggle.

Help me."

A cry from an honest heart to a loving father.

And He answers. 
As my anxioius spirit juxtaposes the quiet of my bedroom, as I sip David's mint chocolate tea (God bless David), my Abba listens. And my heart knows that His heart knows. As I'm looking through my Bible for a verse, I come across two things. A bookmark. Made by a friend over eight years ago. On the back is written "To remind you that I'm praying for you!" Next a card - a prayer from a mentor and a friend. In it, the words "Go in Grace - You are human. Allow yourself to be! Go in strength - may your Almighty, living God be faithful to equip you for every task and relationship He calls you to." 

Encouragement.

And then. Words from the Father Himself. Sing, daughter. The Lord has taken away your judgments. The Lord is in your midst.... the Mighty One will save; Sarah, I will rejoice over you with gladness, I will quiet you with my love."
 



Promise.