In the morning.

I have a yearly tradition. Every May, I spend at least a few evenings sitting online in front of my bank accounts. I look at my OSAP estimate, what (if any) money I have left from the past year, scholarships I am guaranteed and scholarships I've applied for.

Basically, I sit and worry. I know to trust, but every time I crunch numbers, I take ownership again, my perceived "right" to control my life.

About halfway through, I commented to my family that I should just forget about figuring out the numbers and just trust God. My friend agreed - if that is where God wants me, He will provide.

He's proven that year after year, but still I struggle. He has already provided this year, in the form of guaranteed hours and a raise - a real answer to prayer. But still I worry when the numbers come up short, and I still get a sense of relief only when I see that logically I should be able to come up with the money. Because, yes, I still finished figuring it out...

Something that keeps popping up lately is the importance of having God as the focus, as having your faith pre-eminent in every aspect of your life. My school holds a worship service every month, and one of the last ones was on the helmet of salvation. I was thinking afterwards that a helmet is meant to protect your brain. Your brain is the seat of your emotions, your intelligence, and your decisions. My helmet of salvation covers my decisions. It covers my emotions. My salvation protects them from the influence that Satan wants to have.

But in order for a helmet to have its desired effect, the soldier must put it on. It doesn't help if it stays tucked away in the tent. Or to bring it closer to home during this playoff season, a helmet doesn't do a player any good if it stays in the hockey bag.

This is something that God has really been bringing to my attention since I've come home. I was doing devotions one night, asking God what He wanted to do in me over the summer (Tangent: I love the question "What is God doing in your life right now" because there is always an answer. If you don't have an answer, it is because you are not paying attention or are not open to it, not because God is not working. God is always working. Tangent over.). Anyways, I asked Him, and a song from my childhood came into my head - "Oh God, you are my God; and I will every praise you. I will seek you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways; And step-by-step You'll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days."

I will seek you in the morning. This really struck me. I've started setting my alarm earlier, and I start the day with this song in my head and a prayer to above all else, bring God glory in everything I do and say. To show His love and grace in my life by the way I treat people and my attitude at work.

I visited my friend's church this morning and the pastor reminded us of the verse "His Divine Power has given to us all things that are needed for life and godliness" and another that says "Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Christ's grace and God's love must be my staying power. It must be the source of my joy when things are sunny and my source of peace and hope and comfort in the moments and seasons of brokenness. Every single day, I need to be reminding myself of where my help comes from and thanking God that He gives me what I need to live abundantly that day. I must hunger for righteousness and realize that God is the one who fills.

I must seek His face one day at a time, starting every morning with a prayer to glorify Him so that my helmet of salvation, God's grace and love, guides what I do and say to bring the glory to Him, the one who is worthy.

Did they know?

I'm writing this because I, like so many others tonight, am shaken and sad. I shed tears tonight for a man I've never met. Although I didn't know Tim Bosma, I know people that did. It seems so innocent, the selling of a truck. One doesn't have to know a man to grieve his wrongful death and the impact that it will have on his friends and family.

Did they know?
Did those men who responded to that advertisement and took that truck with Tim for a drive know that because of their actions, a little girl would never be tucked into bed by her daddy again?
Did they know that every time she had a dance recital or birthday party or graduation, the celebration would be marred by the fact that someone so important was missing? All for what? A truck?
When they carried out their plan, did they know that in twenty years when his little girl walks down the aisle - on the day that should not contain an iota of sadness - a tear will be shed because her father isn't there to walk that aisle with her?
Did they think of that?
Did they know that every night, a woman will go to bed, not with the arms of her husband around her, but the aching pains of loneliness instead?
Did they know that every time she needs to make a parenting decision, attend an event, celebrate a birth, or mourn a death, she will grieve the loss of her husband all over again?
Were they aware that Tim's presence will be missed by a wife and a daughter every day for the rest of their lives?
Did they know?

Did they know that an entire country would rally around Tim's wife and daughter?
Did they know that relatives, friends, and strangers alike would volunteer their time and their love to help this hurting family?
Did they know that for all the tears shed - by family, by friends, and by complete strangers - God kept count?
Did they know that those tears would be matched by immeasurable amounts of prayer, of people coming before the Father of All to ask Him to hold and heal and comfort?
Did they know that no matter how evil their motives and how black their minds, the loving grace of God shines through, even in this?
Did they know that the wife and daughter have a God who promises to comfort the widow and to be a Father to the Fatherless?
Did these men know that this family's broken hearts are held by a God whose heart is breaking too?

Tonight, I am sad; in my sadness, I am thankful that "we do not mourn as those who do not have hope."